Four months…

    of countless trips over the Tobin Bridge without you to answer my call to talk me through my anxiousness of driving over it. You never missed one call and always laughed when I asked you “just tell me about your day, please!”.

    of countless uber rides alone, without you to talk to from the moment I got in the car to the second I got out. Because you were nervous about me getting in a car with a stranger.

    of countless walks home alone from the train, without you to tell me to be safe, and ask me about my day, and just delay with silly questions and stories (that I heard already multiple times that day).

    of thousands of missed calls, to you, from you. Multiple times a day. Just to say hi. Just to check in. Just to hear each others voices. And still listening to your voicemails, just to hear you say “Hey Rob, it’s ma”.

    of thousands of unsent texts, to see how my day was? hows work today? did you get home safe? whats the weather like there? whats for lunch? and so many I love you’s.

    of so many Saturdays missed. Where I would stop and get you your Dunkin coffee, and your blueberry muffin. And I’d always bring you a gift. And you’d love it and laugh at Dad who was complaining that he never gets gifts. Then we’d say, well Bobby,  you don't have cancer. And we would sit, and chat and never mention that terrible word again, and just try to pretend it wasn't sitting in the room with us.

    of not holding your hand. and feeling your skin, and your heartbeat and touching your hair for the last time.

A friend once told me that the two worst things that ever happened to them in their life was number one, losing their mom, and number 2, losing their mom. I wish that I was still naive to have no idea what that felt like.

I was so scared for you to take your final breathe, for the final moment when I let go of your hand forever, and how that pain in that second would be the worst pain I have ever felt. And it was. Until the pain of how to actually live without you, and without us, and without 4 months of a mothers love and a lifetime ahead without you.

So, I ride. For the first time. And I’m really fucking scared. But so was she. So, I ride for her. And for everyone that has to live without their mothers love.

Its a weird time in the world right now. And asking for money seems so meaningless in a time when life is uncertain, and tomorrow isn't a promise. So, donate if you can. But more importantly, give your mom/dad/friend/child some extra love. Because in this moment, thats what we all need. And thats what I’m sending my mom in this moment. All my love.